According to the Australian Bureau of Statistics the 2006 consensus reported that 26% of Australian women never get married, that means that 74% will get married with the median age of first time married females at 27 and 46% of them will marry more than once. Greedy bitches.
For everyone who likes to ignore the uncomfortable fact of statistics, lets bring it closer to home. I have been in eight serious relationships between the age of 17 and 34, yes that is 17 years, and seven of those men now are married, most happily, most meeting their wife within months of us breaking up. I am not saying that I would take any of them back, I wouldn’t, but I can’t help but think that none of them wanted to marry me. And that is enough to make you cry uncontrollably on the floor of the shower at 3am after a large binge drinking session.
There are certain times in life when thinking about these things becomes more difficult. For example when your 20 year old sister gets engaged, when you realise you are the only single member of your family or group of friends, or when the trendiest, best looking couple have the most romantic public proposal. I would suggest around the third time you are a bridesmaid is also hard, however I don’t have enough friends to have got that far.
Also hard to swallow is the advice and encouragement from well meaning, happily married for years, friends. I would have thought being happily married for years would have made you the least qualified person to comment on single life for the over 30’s. Clearly I was mistaken, but the next person who tells me “there is someone for everyone” is going to get a smack over the head with the diamond side of a cricket bat. That comment is one of my pet hates, seriously. Not far behind, is the ever contradictory comments of “you’ve just got to put yourself out there” and “you’re trying too hard and appearing desperate”. I seem to be continually assessing to see if I am positioned correctly in the ‘available but not too needy’ limbo. So, casually hanging around with the same friends at the same place for some drinks once a month when I can get a sitter is too little, and taking out a billboard on the barrier highway is too much. It’s tiring.
At this point we consider the “you don’t need to have man to be happy” argument. This one frustrates me, not only because it is also usually spouted by some happily coupled up know it all, but because it fails to acknowledge some basic psychological and socialisation principles. As human beings the meeting of our need for love and support as a child allows us grow into mature well rounded individuals, I suggest that this is not going to change in our adult years. As a society everything is built for the coupled world from holiday accommodation to medical insurance, then we attend functions where most people are coupled up, and are continually asked about our marital status by ignorant strangers. This gets more difficult as the years go on, so much so that when I tell people now that I have never in fact been married I am greeted with a look of pity and an accompanying sigh. “I’m sure you will find someone” – SMACK!
Short of a Frances Farmer style frontal lobotomy or a miraculous transformation into the 1% of the population that identify as asexual, I am going to continue to crave the romantic and sexual attention of a potential mate, in my case, one of the opposite gender. So I get busy putting myself out there, not appearing to desperate, getting on with life, loving myself and not needing anyone but my mind still wanders. It wanders towards that new guy in town that is kind of cute and said hello to me once, How old is he? Is he single? Is he straight? Will he be sticking around? Is he in my league? And these are the thoughts that go through your head before you even consider the basics such as is he nice? Is he self-sufficient? Would he be good around kids? Would he get along with my family? Can he kill large spiders un-aided on demand?
While I consider what type of guy, out of the ones left available, I should be interested in, one of the considerations bothers me more than the others. Whether or not someone is in my league. I have read that someone is only out of your league if you think that they are, I bet that they beg to differ on that front! Unfortunately we are all judged on looks, fitness, intelligence, interests, popularity, socio-economic status and of course past decisions slash indiscretions. So determining who is in or isn’t in your league can be hard, and sometimes a friend telling you that you “continually set yourself up for failure” by going for those who “maybe don’t appreciate you as much as others would” can be even harder. But trust me it is a help. The down side to this is once you realise what is actually in your league you may be even more depressed than you were before. I know I am.
So where to from here? I wish I could tell you. But I don’t have all the answers I can just relate to the pain and exhaustion of being a single person in a coupled up world. Next time I will complicate things again by adding in the ‘child I prepared earlier’ cause that makes things so much easier.
You may be single but you’re not alone.
:D
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