I once read that kids are a joy, but they suck the joy out of everything else in your life. It's funny because it's true. There is nothing more wonderful than hearing your child laugh or seeing them so proud of themselves when they learn something for the first time. There is also nothing more depressing than sitting at home alone after your child is in bed wondering if this is it, is this as good as it gets?
Having children presents many roadblocks to finding somone when you are single. The first issue that many people gloss over is the one of finances. Children cost money, children require your care, which diminishes your ablility to earn money. Put these two together and you are left with the most lovable thing in the world and a whole heap of financial stress. Yes, some are lucky enough to have forged a decent enough career prior to getting knocked up or have a wealthy ex that does in fact pay child support, but for the most of us being a single parent means an ever beeping fuel light, payment plans for basic utilities, comparing prices in the supermarket and that occasional splurge where you just go "Fuck it! I'm never going to get ahead anyway so why do I bother!"
Being short of money effects all things about looking for a potential mate. Starting with ill-fitting, stained or unfashionable clothes, then not having makeup or any that hasn't gone off already, not having the latest hairstyle or any at all, and then not having the money to actually go out and meet people, anywhere.
Say you do have the money to go out, you can't take your child with you. Pubs don't have creche's so you need to find care, be it a family member, friend or babysitter. I personally find the whole finding a baby sitter thing stressful. I feel like I am asking to borrow a million dollars everytime I ask someone one, and more often or not they say no. If they do say yes, then there is often conditions attached, you need to be home at a certain time, be able to pick the child up or there is a cost involved, as is the case with teenage babystitters.
So you have a sitter, you have some money and you are ready to go out. You don't get out often so settling into the groove of things takes some time. Then you need to be to able to join in with the conversation, hopefully they are not talking about other nights out or weekends away when you couldn't join them. Sometimes the conversation is about how you don't do things anymore like the gym or coffee or shopping.
So you have a sitter, some money, you're out and joining in with the conversation and you meet a couple of new people who seem half interesting. Being out of the loop you need to find out their stories and after a few misses with those who are already married or gay, you come across someone available, straight and somewhat interested in what you have to say. Until all you can talk about is kids. They are mildly interested at first, then they find an excuse to escape.
One month later, you find a sitter, some money, some friends to go out with, someone interesting to talk to and you have learnt from your mistakes and you're keeping a lid on your "kid talk". Things are going well until they start on how they are planning to travel the world next year, backpacking in fact, they are so excited. NEXT! This pattern repeats itself for months, years, decades. Then finally someone is interested. How did that happen? you had just about given up.
So you start to see someone, you spend money you don't have on dinners, lunches, coffee and maybe a gift. You plan a weekend away and even though you keep the costs down it's still more than you can afford. So reality hits, time to reign it in. You stay home more, this is met with resistance from your new partner, they want to do things and can't understand why you have changed. But, this is all assuming you have made it this far.
Lets rewind to the first time that your new love interest meets your children, they are mildly amused. They try to be their best friend, but kids being kids couldn't care less, they are happy with the way life is and this new person presents as inconvience to said life. So things don't start so well, and don't get better. Kids come first, always will, doesn't matter how tired, hungry or horny you are, what the kids want come first and that will always be the case. New love interest doesn't understand that, new love interest is just hanging around for their turn to be the centre of attention and is starting to feel like a bit of a third, fourth or fifth wheel. New love interest leaves.
Maybe new love interst is ok with that, lucky you, and they stick around. You have a way of doing things, a routine or schedule so to speak that you have developed over the years based on the personalities of both you and your children. New love interest thinks you are doing it wrong, from their extensive research of sitcoms, soapies, best friends cousins kid and vague recollections of childhood they are well versed on how to raise children. And you are doing it wrong. Your child is naughty, rude, messy and should be able to do more things for themselves, of course saying that they're only three doesn't seem to be getting you anywhere. New love interest leaves.
Miracle above miracles your new love interest is ok with your kids, lack of money and lack of time and is quite happy to stay on board. In walks the ex. There will always be a drama, some reason why this person is not good enough to be around your kids. Having danced this dance a few times now, you are amicable, accommodating and address each of the exes concerns. New love interest takes offence to this and leaves.
Now I know there are step parents out there by the hundreds, that have got through this and come out the other side. They probably still get the "You're not my real dad! You can't tell me what to do" or "I wish mum had never met you!" but they stick it out. Who knows if it is the best thing for the kids, I guess each situation is different. But there is hope for all us single parents yet. So long as we don't live in the middle of nowhere, but that's another story for another day.
:D
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