All my ex-boyfriends are getting married

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Correction all my ex boyfriends have already gotten married. Well, I haven’t checked up on the latest one, I have deliberately cut off all contact, because quite frankly I don’t think I could bear knowing. It’s not the type of jealousy that indicates I want them back, it’s the fact that despite what they told me, they were indeed the marrying type, it was me they never wanted to marry.

I know this happens to a lot of women, for those that haven’t experienced it, take the complete feeling of dejection and worthlessness when you find out your ex has a new girlfriend and times in by ten. It’s that horrid complete internal organ back-flip feeling when someone casually mentions that your ex is engaged, the urge to hold in the vomit when you see the wedding photos, especially if they got married at the spot you picked out, and the inability to function as a normal human being when you accidentally run into them at a restaurant on a Saturday afternoon and he introduces her as his wife.

I have had eight serious boyfriends since my prom, seven of them are married. But then it got lots worse. It got to be that every guy who I had a casual fling with was shacking up within days and married or engaged before the end of the year. I was the female equivalent of Good Luck Chuck. As a never married, overweight, single mother, thinking about this fact for too long can be soul destroying.

It’s at this point I usually reflect on the positives of a situation. I've got nothing. I never gave marriage too much thought in my early to mid twenties; I just sort of assumed it would happen. It never occurred to me that it wouldn’t. Now I am approaching 34, living day to day without the opportunity of ever meeting anyone new, let alone compatible, and I am yet to decide whether or not to give up hope.

I watch a romantic movie or some intimate moment on television and I feel like screaming, Fuck you life! That’s what I wanted! The only thing that can calm me down is the realisation that the only common denominator in all my failed relationships is me. Perhaps I don’t’ have the required skills, or I don't project myself as wifey material, I might be attracted to the wrong men or have incredibly bad timing. So what to do? I honestly don’t know. I tried online dating, long distance relationships, the works. I may never get married, and maybe I just have to teach myself that that is ok.

She's got an all right job, but, it's not a career

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It’s the one song that makes me cry and it’s not even about love, well it is, but not the particular line that reduces me to a blubbering mess in the middle of the main street. “She’s got an all right job, but, it’s not a career, each time she thinks about it, it brings her to tears.” – Lilly Allen’s 21. It’s ok to be single if you have concentrated on your career, well not exactly but it will be excused. If you have no husband and no career, then you’re just a loser.

So how did I get here? Well that is one long boring story, but suffice to say for some reason at some point along the line I lost the passion required to have more than just a job that pays the bills. I can’t even remember when my thinking changed from one day I will do that, to, I wished I had done this. So why do I want a career so much? I can tell you one thing, it’s not parental pressure, they can barely understand why I bothered with university in the first place and feel that my need to complete a degree and have a professional career is not actually mine, but what I think that society wants me to do. Could they be right?

I am from a mining family, my father is an underground miner, my step father works above ground at a mine, I have three brothers that work underground in mines, even my best friend drives trucks underground and she loves it. They all love their jobs, they award them no status, but they do renumerate them sufficiently financially. Is it about the money then? Could that be the secret to employment Zen? Maybe I am obsessed with finishing a degree and getting a professional career because I can’t drive a truck underground, honestly, I can’t even back a car out of a driveway without hitting something.

The truth is I actually do care what other people think about me. I want them to know that I am intelligent and knowledgeable, and therefore interesting to talk to. Maybe it’s all about making friends. I mean really, who’s going to spend the evening hanging with a part time receptionist that dropped out of a Social Science degree and has never had a job above the bottom rung of her office ladder in her life. And if I can’t make friends how could I possibly ever find a boyfriend. Here, we come to the crux of the matter. I don’t have looks; youth, charm or money so the only thing I have left to attract a potential mate is the allure of independence and sophistication. If all else fails, at least a career would give me financial security.

So what happens if I don’t finish uni and forge a career? I do have a job, and have never really had trouble finding work; I have a home of my own, a rental property and a beautiful son. I might not have a great deal of money, but what do I really need it for anyway. A library is free and the internet is not far off it, I could read if something interests me, I can still be intelligent and knowledgeable without specialising in a profession. Can’t I? But it's not enough, because deep down some of it is for me, my need for personal growth, to be all I can be and to set the best example I can for my son. So I have taken a week off work and I am going to complete the first unit in my diploma, no promises, but it's a step in the right direction.