Not long ago I met a man, and I use that term loosely, that had established selection criteria for women. He quite succinctly pointed out that dates are no different to job interviews and that a criterion simply assists with selecting the right candidate. I was both offended on behalf of his past and future dates, and intrigued. He wouldn't share with me the exact details, however, the odd bits of information passed to me by mutual friends at the time, it didn't seem to be your average list. So, should we have a selection criteria in mind when we are weighing up potential partners and what if they have a criteria, how can we possibly survive the interview phase if we don't know what it is?
Here is where Internet dating has advantage over conventional partner hunting. A good profile will put it all out there, what they consider to be their strengths and better qualities and exactly what they are looking for in a potential mate. The downside is they may be imaginary, lying or not really want what they think they want. Weeding them out on the internet is harder than in real life because when typing a response we have time to consider it, in the flesh we have a tendency to say something that we will regret forever, knowing deep down that it wasn't the answer that they were looking for.
So what is more important, establishing our own criteria or surviving theirs? Tough call, we are more likely to get a partner by meeting each of theirs, but how do we know if they are really the ones we want unless we have established criteria of our own. To create a list of our own we should first our own personality, what type of people we are compatible with and what we want out of life. Hmmmm, starting to get complicated. But I have a list of basics.
My basic list goes like this: male, heterosexual, single, fluent in English, physically available, emotionally available, in legal and paid employment, no addiction or substance abuse issues, non-violent person who has never been arrested or in been in custody. My secondary essential criteria list includes such items as being ambitious, great work life balance, friends of his own, not a party boy, accepting my son and I as we are, not living with his parents and having his own car. The third list of preferential criteria is where you weed out the ok guys from the great ones, these would be educated, worldly, down to earth, encouraging of my goals and aspirations, great with my friends and family and confident enough that I don't have to keep boosting his ego.
Notice the lack of physical characteristics, that's because we don't need them, we know fairly early on if we are attracted to someone or not, it's the rest of the stuff we have trouble recognising or tend to ignore too easily. Of course, I haven't mentioned any intimate criteria, but if you think that is not important you are seriously deluded. Having a partner that is compatible in bed can be, at some point, the make and break of a relationship.
So if these criteria can mean the difference between happiness and a miserable match up, should we tell them about it? I vote yes. I don't mean via document, or all in one hit, but as topics come up it wouldn't hurt to mention your preferences and goals. For example if a guy starts talking about backpacking Europe and you want to start a family, now would be great time to not only recognise you may not be compatible but to explain to him why it is the case.
Then there are their criteria. How do we know what it is? Well here's a thought, ask. I don't mean a bombardment of twenty questions upon first meeting, but as subjects come up don't be afraid to ask what they are looking for. This can be more difficult in non-date situations such as being out with a group of friends, but cleverly disguised conversation can still give you the answer you are looking for. For example a comment such as "her husband never lets her go out, says that they are married and it's her job to look after the kids", gauge his response and make a mental note of it.
Because being single wasn't hard enough, and looking the part just doesn't cut the mustard anymore, we are now stuck trying to work out what we are looking for, who meets that criteria and then what their criteria is and whether or not we meet it. Bugger that, I am going back to the Internet!
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