Honey, I blew up the Incident

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Imagine everyone you know all know each other, see each other regularly and love to talk, a lot, about everything. Basically imagine you are back in high school. That is what it is like to live in a small town. Everyone knows everyone, everyone talks about everyone and I will put my hand up and say that I am no exception. Doesn't mean I like it.

Gossip comes in two forms, intentional and unintentional. The unintentional is born of boredom and well lack of anything else to talk about; I am guilty of this one. The intentional is self serving, maybe by acting as a discloser of information the gossiper can gain the confidence and friendship of another person, maybe even drive a wedge between them and the one they are gossiping about so that they become their friend instead. There is also a version far more malicious. The rumour starter. This one deliberately lies to either destroy the reputation of another or to cover up their behaviour, sometimes both.

Regardless of the initiation, the giant game of Chinese whispers that is small town life sends the whole thing out of control. Reputations are damaged, relationships torn apart, attitudes formed and all from what? Well a lot of the time it's nothing. Other times it's not, in these circumstances my plan of attack has been confront and admit. Confront the person who started the gossip, always with a witness, so that they know you are on to them. Don’t' for a second think they will admit fault to anything as they will not. Then, admit to the parts of the story that are true, and get in first wherever you can.

I will digress here. My dad recently went on a tour of England, Scotland and Wales at sometime during that tour he got up out of his bed, half drunk, to go to the bathroom only in his jocks as apparently that's how he rolls, anyway then he accidentally walked out of the front door of the hotel room instead of into the bathroom. My uncle watched the whole thing, laughing and left him out there for a while before letting him back in, probably in the hope that he would be sprung by the younger female members of the tour. Knowing his brother as he does, dad assumed that he would not only tell everyone on the bus but also plan some humiliating trick at some later stage. The next morning dad gets on the bus, and announces to the whole group that he locked himself out of his room in just his jocks. Now I am not advocating that you hold a press conference to air your indiscretions, but this story does illustrate the advantage to cutting them off at the pass so to speak.

Reactions to rumours and gossip are also etched forever more in small town memory, as either "well he didn't argue too much so it must be right" or "she was too defensive so definitely hiding something", you can't win so why bother. So should you explain yourself, personalities like mine insist on it, we cannot handle unresolved issues, and this has quite often got me into more trouble that the gossip itself. Then what do I do with the gossiper, I can't handle not being liked either so I am forever trying to smooth out friendships. Well I am happy to say since my 30's started these incidents are few and far between.

There is another issue, because of the nature of small towns we do have a tendency to over think things people say. Assume that they have been talking about something when they haven't. This is sort of self centred paranoia is another one of my traits I am afraid. That being said my experience in small town/community life has rarely proved me wrong, especially if you are very familiar with the other personalities involved. So what do you do about the gossip? Nothing. Take it from me even a DNA test and 18 month long court case will still leave people saying, "well ok she was right about that but there must have been some truth to the rumour", just for the record  - there isn't. But there is nothing I can do about that.

So next time you have a bit of gossip in your head that you are dying to get off your chest, because it does sometimes feel like a burdon, think about the consequences. Is this going to damage any reputations, any friendships, relationships, what is my purpose here, and finally do I need to pass this information on at all? And before you react... breathe.

10 ways to tell he's not interested

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10. He hasn't asked you out. Whether it's a date or a dinner party or even a birthday party, if he hasn't asked you but he's asked mutual friends then he is definitely not interested.

9. His friends don't ask you out either. I don't mean on a date, but his friends aren't going to ask you out for something if they know it's just going to make him feel awkward and uncomfortable. And they probably think you are a pathetic loser and laugh at you behind your back.

8. He doesn't answer your messages. Whether they be text messages or instant messages via the internet, if he is not answering or he's just giving you the absolute minimum answer required to a question you have asked, then he is not even interested in having a conversation with you, let alone anything else!

7. He told you he wasn't interested. Well he may not have said it just like that, but he may have said something along the lines of I'm not ready for a relationship, not looking for anything right now, I'm interested in so and so or even that he is already seeing someone, when he isn't. That's awkward.

6. He doesn't seem to want to talk to you. Obvious yeah? Well you're at a party, or a pub or anywhere really and he's busy talking to other people, including a group of 20 somethings, you are not on his radar, you are not even a bleep in his life, move on.

5. He physically faces away from you. This isn't as easy to notice as you would think. From the slight facing away while you have him cornered, to the obvious getting up and leaving as soon as you sit down. This may or may not be deliberate on his behalf, either way, he doesn't like being near you, you are not getting far with this one.

4. He rejected you. You asked him out and he said no. Maybe you just told him you were interested and he politely told you he wasn't, in a way that unfortunately made you think there was a chance. The worst thing you could do here is try and argue why he should like you or demand to know why he doesn't, I mean are you really that full of yourself?

3. You are getting teased. You might not know it or maybe you think that everyone is just being mean, but everyone is commenting about you being that crazy stalker chick that just won't leave him alone. You're a stalker and you should stop.

2. Your friends tactfully or not so tactfully steer you away from him. From the subtle lets go to another bar when he walks in to the look he's just not into you, get your shit together would you.

1. Look in the mirror. This sounds harsh, but look at the girls he does talk to, and compare yourself to them, be honest, It hurts but it may just be the only way you're going to get it. If need be stick your photo next to theirs. I'm not staying we don't have a chance with someone out of our league but it's important to remember those chances are very very very slim indeed.

Red Flag City Limits

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Alcoholic, gym junkie
Plain old drug junkie
He's a player, he's too keen
you just don't where he has been
Now that's a Red Flag
Red Flag
Red Flag City
Red Flag City Limits

He's late for dinner, tea & lunch
and talks about his ex too much
He goes to town on Saturday 
Doesn't call you till Monday

Red Flag City
Red Flag City Limit

Emotions to frail
Not a manly male
Your attempts to better him
will be all to no avail
Red Flag City
Red Flag City Limit

Red Flag City
Red Flag City Limit
Never had a real girlfriend
he's not one that you can depend
He goes to mums on Monday
and Tuesday through to Sunday


Red Flag City
Red Flag City Limit


Too many money problems I can see
Don't do much for the community
Not much happening between the ears
Hasn't matured much in 30 years
You got watch out for douchebags
When you're single in your 30's
You got watch out for douchebags
When you're single in your 30's
You got watch out for douchebags
When you're single in your 30's
Keep an eye for the douchebags
Eye for the douchebags


Red Flag City
Red Flag  City Limit
Red Flag City
Red Flag City Limit
Red Flag City
Red Flag City Limit
Red Flag City
Red Flag City Limit

_______________________________________________________________________

What's the red flag in a relationship you ignored?

Email dovehoward1.emptyfinger@blogger.com

Online Dating Profile - Attempt #1

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FOR SALE
Used 1978 wide bodied family model, outside needs some work but still looks ok, very accommodating interior, low running costs, comes with small one in tow and some baggage. Surprisingly low mileage given places visited, and can handle various terrain. Very reliable but steering can sometimes go astray. Extras include excellent communications system, in built entertainment features and own parking space.


WANTED TO BUY
1976-1983 sporty-ish model or similar, low mileage, decent exterior, comfortable interior, needs to be able tow small load at all times, a little baggage is ok, self sufficient, with low-med running costs, reliability and adaptability key features. Prefer something that can handle rocky roads and long journeys and that has flexible steering controls. Not interested in short term lease or test drives.

Saddling up in a One Horse Town

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Sometimes it feels like I live in a town where I have exhausted all my romantic options, come to think about it I have just about exhausted even all my one night stand options also!


I live in a town of just under 20,000, not including surrounding towns, because there are none. In fact you have to travel two and half hours to get to the next town and the only thing to do there is keep driving through to somewhere more interesting even further away.


It's a mining town so you would be excused for thinking that there is an abundance of burly men. Alas this is not the case. Having grown up feeling entitled to a job on the mines young men are often shocked to find that the foreign owned local mine requires qualified and experienced workers, so the young men leave. They are not replaced with men from "away" as the required workers are flown in and out. The end result is that us women often feel that there are just not enough men to go around.


This is not always the case, for several weekends starting in October our town unwillingly participates in the annual drunken arsehole exchange. At this time we send a football team of cashed up bogans to someplace else and get five teams in return. In this respect it is much like the illfated Malaysia deal, and just as succesful. We turn up at the local classy establishment to find ourselves in a sea of young, drunk, unavailable men. And they seem to be standing around wondering where the hell all the hot young available women are. They're at home with their kids.


Now I may be completely off the track but below is how I see the typical small town bogan romance, henceforth known as a bogance, unfolding in more situations than not. Guy knows of girl and girl knows of guy, cause lets face it in a town of 20,000 you're pretty much guaranteed to know everyone in your age bracket. Guy is at pub with mates, girl is at pub with girlfriends. They are both there to pick up, clearly. Guy gets drunk and hits on girl, girl gets drunk and lets guy take advantage of her. Guy takes girl home, girl never leaves, they end up married with two kids by 24. There are other variations, but you get the gist of it.


By the time they hit 40 they are divorced and have split the house, debt, kids time, friends, community in general and what days each one of them can go to the one only pub that happens to be cool at the time. Now looking for wifey number two, the 40+ divorcee wastes no time heading back to the pub with his, also divorced, mates and the system repeats itself only with someone 5-10 years his junior.


The divorcee wife stays at home with the kids, occasionally going out with her single gal pals to get way to drunk, act way to flirty and end up with a bad reputation. The times, they have not a changed that much.


One thing that gets me about this whole awful process is the lack of actual dating. I would like a guy to actually ask me out, on a date, something involving dinner and a wine, with a follow up date and then gradually get to know someone. But the men out here aren't trained that way and as all the guys my age are now entering the divorce phase of their lives and I go fishing for second round offers I can't help but think... do I really want to be with a romantically challenged retread anyway?

Here's one I Prepared Earlier or Being a "Single" Single Parent

I once read that kids are a joy, but they suck the joy out of everything else in your life. It's funny because it's true. There is nothing more wonderful than hearing your child laugh or seeing them so proud of themselves when they learn something for the first time. There is also nothing more depressing than sitting at home alone after your child is in bed wondering if this is it, is this as good as it gets?


Having children presents many roadblocks to finding somone when you are single. The first issue that many people gloss over is the one of finances. Children cost money, children require your care, which diminishes your ablility to earn money. Put these two together and you are left with the most lovable thing in the world and a whole heap of financial stress. Yes, some are lucky enough to have forged a decent enough career prior to getting knocked up or have a wealthy ex that does in fact pay child support, but for the most of us being a single parent means an ever beeping fuel light, payment plans for basic utilities, comparing prices in the supermarket and that occasional splurge where you just go "Fuck it! I'm never going to get ahead anyway so why do I bother!"


Being short of money effects all things about looking for a potential mate. Starting with ill-fitting, stained or unfashionable clothes, then not having makeup or any that hasn't gone off already, not having the latest hairstyle or any at all, and then not having the money to actually go out and meet people, anywhere.


Say you do have the money to go out, you can't take your child with you. Pubs don't have creche's  so you need to find care, be it a family member, friend or babysitter. I personally find the whole finding a baby sitter thing stressful. I feel like I am asking to borrow a million dollars everytime I ask someone one, and more often or not they say no. If they do say yes, then there is often conditions attached, you need to be home at a certain time, be able to pick the child up or there is a cost involved, as is the case with teenage babystitters.


So you have a sitter, you have some money and you are ready to go out. You don't get out often so settling into the groove of things takes some time. Then you need to be to able to join in with the conversation, hopefully they are not talking about other nights out or weekends away when you couldn't join them. Sometimes the conversation is about how you don't do things anymore like the gym or coffee or shopping.


So you have a sitter, some money, you're out and joining in with the conversation and you meet a couple of new people who seem half interesting. Being out of the loop you need to find out their stories and after a few misses with those who are already married or gay, you come across someone available, straight and somewhat interested in what you have to say. Until all you can talk about is kids. They are mildly interested at first, then they find an excuse to escape.


One month later, you find a sitter, some money, some friends to go out with, someone interesting to talk to and you have learnt from your mistakes and you're keeping a lid on your "kid talk". Things are going well until they start on how they are planning to travel the world next year, backpacking in fact, they are so excited. NEXT! This pattern repeats itself for months, years, decades. Then finally someone is interested. How did that happen? you had just about given up.


So you start to see someone, you spend money you don't have on dinners, lunches, coffee and maybe a gift. You plan a weekend away and even though you keep the costs down it's still more than you can afford. So reality hits, time to reign it in. You stay home more, this is met with resistance from your new partner, they want to do things and can't understand why you have changed. But, this is all assuming you have made it this far.


Lets rewind to the first time that your new love interest meets your children, they are mildly amused. They try to be their best friend, but kids being kids couldn't care less, they are happy with the way life is and this new person presents as inconvience to said life. So things don't start so well, and don't get better.  Kids come first, always will, doesn't matter how tired, hungry or horny you are, what the kids want come first and that will always be the case. New love interest doesn't understand that, new love interest is just hanging around for their turn to be the centre of attention and is starting to feel like a bit of a third, fourth or fifth wheel. New love interest leaves.


Maybe new love interst is ok with that, lucky you, and they stick around. You have a way of doing things, a routine or schedule so to speak that you have developed over the years based on the personalities of both you and your children. New love interest thinks you are doing it wrong, from their extensive research of sitcoms, soapies, best friends cousins kid and vague recollections of childhood they are well versed on how to raise children. And you are doing it wrong. Your child is naughty, rude, messy and should be able to do more things for themselves, of course saying that they're only three doesn't seem to be getting you anywhere. New love interest leaves.


Miracle above miracles your new love interest is ok with your kids, lack of money and lack of time and is quite happy to stay on board. In walks the ex. There will always be a drama, some reason why this person is not good enough to be around your kids. Having danced this dance a few times now, you are amicable, accommodating and address each of the exes concerns. New love interest takes offence to this and leaves.


Now I know there are step parents out there by the hundreds, that have got through this and come out the other side. They probably still get the "You're not my real dad! You can't tell me what to do" or "I wish mum had never met you!" but they stick it out. Who knows if it is the best thing for the kids, I guess each situation is different. But there is hope for all us single parents yet. So long as we don't live in the middle of nowhere, but that's another story for another day.


:D

On Being Single in Your Thirties

According to the Australian Bureau of Statistics the 2006 consensus reported that 26% of Australian women never get married, that means that 74% will get married with the median age of first time married females at 27 and 46% of them will marry more than once. Greedy bitches.


For everyone who likes to ignore the uncomfortable fact of statistics, lets bring it closer to home. I have been in eight serious relationships between the age of 17 and 34, yes that is 17 years, and seven of those men now are married, most happily, most meeting their wife within months of us breaking up. I am not saying that I would take any of them back, I wouldn’t, but I can’t help but think that none of them wanted to marry me. And that is enough to make you cry uncontrollably on the floor of the shower at 3am after a large binge drinking session.


There are certain times in life when thinking about these things becomes more difficult. For example when your 20 year old sister gets engaged, when you realise you are the only single member of your family or group of friends, or when the trendiest, best looking couple have the most romantic public proposal. I would suggest around the third time you are a bridesmaid is also hard, however I don’t have enough friends to have got that far.


Also hard to swallow is the advice and encouragement from well meaning, happily married for years, friends. I would have thought being happily married for years would have made you the least qualified person to comment on single life for the over 30’s. Clearly I was mistaken, but the next person who tells me “there is someone for everyone” is going to get a smack over the head with the diamond side of a cricket bat. That comment is one of my pet hates, seriously. Not far behind, is the ever contradictory comments of  “you’ve just got to put yourself out there” and “you’re trying too hard and appearing desperate”. I seem to be continually assessing to see if I am positioned correctly in the ‘available but not too needy’ limbo. So, casually hanging around with the same friends at the same place for some drinks once a month when I can get a sitter is too little, and taking out a billboard on the barrier highway is too much. It’s tiring.


At this point we consider the “you don’t need to have man to be happy” argument. This one frustrates me, not only because it is also usually spouted by some happily coupled up know it all, but because it fails to acknowledge some basic psychological and socialisation principles. As human beings the meeting of our need for love and support as a child allows us grow into mature well rounded individuals, I suggest that this is not going to change in our adult years. As a society everything is built for the coupled world from holiday accommodation to medical insurance, then we attend functions where most people are coupled up, and are continually asked about our marital status by ignorant strangers. This gets more difficult as the years go on, so much so that when I tell people now that I have never in fact been married I am greeted with a look of pity and an accompanying sigh. “I’m sure you will find someone” – SMACK!


Short of a Frances Farmer style frontal lobotomy or a miraculous transformation into the 1% of the population that identify as asexual, I am going to continue to crave the romantic and sexual attention of a potential mate, in my case, one of the opposite gender. So I get busy putting myself out there, not appearing to desperate, getting on with life, loving myself and not needing anyone but my mind still wanders. It wanders towards that new guy in town that is kind of cute and said hello to me once, How old is he? Is he single? Is he straight? Will he be sticking around? Is he in my league? And these are the thoughts that go through your head before you even consider the basics such as is he nice? Is he self-sufficient? Would he be good around kids? Would he get along with my family? Can he kill large spiders un-aided on demand?


While I consider what type of guy, out of the ones left available, I should be interested in, one of the considerations bothers me more than the others. Whether or not someone is in my league. I have read that someone is only out of your league if you think that they are, I bet that they beg to differ on that front! Unfortunately we are all judged on looks, fitness, intelligence, interests, popularity, socio-economic status and of course past decisions slash indiscretions. So determining who is in or isn’t in your league can be hard, and sometimes a friend telling you that you “continually set yourself up for failure” by going for those who “maybe don’t appreciate you as much as others would” can be even harder. But trust me it is a help. The down side to this is once you realise what is actually in your league you may be even more depressed than you were before. I know I am.


So where to from here? I wish I could tell you. But I don’t have all the answers I can just relate to the pain and exhaustion of being a single person in a coupled up world. Next time I will complicate things again by adding in the ‘child I prepared earlier’ cause that makes things so much easier.


You may be single but you’re not alone.
:D